Have you ever thought about the statement “ No offense, but”. I’ve said it a hundred times in my life, most certainly.
I was laying on my deck, bathing in the BEAUTIFUL sun this afternoon listening to a podcast, with Micheal Bernard Beckwith and I can’t even remember what was said but it sparked a thought in my little brain and right away I jumped up, ran inside and wrote down the words… NO OFFENCE BUT….
It’s not a new term, or way of approaching communication, but the saying “what people think of you has nothing to do with you” OR “ how someone responds to you isn’t about YOU, it’s about them” are both easier said than practiced… and I want to dive in and unwrap what they mean, and hopefully settle some unsettled emotions you may have over a circumstance.
The thoughts that another person has over you, or the last movie they saw, the meal they just had, the outfit Kim Kardashian was wearing, the political parties, the food they feed their dog, the partner they choose in life, are THEIRS. They are created within THEM, based on stories they have been told or told themselves over their life. They are based and built off of how THEY were raised, the people they currently surround themselves with, the stories they read, the music they listen too, the shows they watch, the information they take in on the daily without even knowing it. They are not YOUR thoughts, not MY thoughts, nor do they have a single thing to do with US.
Even a thought turned into a voiced opinion about you or I, still hasn’t got ANYTHING to do with US.
It is still simply a thought birthed from a story they were told or told themselves somewhere in their upbringing about something they experienced, or were taught (subconsciously or consciously) to believe. This is very simply put, about THEM.
JUDGEMENT, is always rooted from a place within self. When we place judgment on another person, with a thought or comment, it is, whether you are aware of it in the moment or not, rooted from a dislike of the SAME THING within ourselves. It can be hard to admit to this as it attacks the EGO, but the more we pretend it isn’t true the more we suffer .
I was having a conversation with someone the other day about not using their cell phone while driving. Now, by “having a conversation with” what really happened was I basically told them to not use their phone while driving, and especially while other people are in the vehicle. Seems like a fair thing to suggest to someone right ? Based on the fact that it isn’t safe and is also illegal.
It was the way in which I delivered the comment. I spoke from a place of judgement, and here’s why.
I used to be bad for using my cell phone while driving.I am SO MUCH better now than ever, but I occasionally will search music or change a song. I will not text but I will on occasion have my phone in my hand.
I know full well that it is thoughtless,dangerous and illegal and anytime I catch myself I feel disappointed . By making a comment towards my friend I was judging myself and masking it by calling THEM out.
NOW … the response towards Me was defensive, and the reason we respond with defence is simply that we recognize some truth in what was being brought up. We might not be AWARE of this at the time, but our subconscious connects with the statement as having truth and our human instinct, until we re-train ourselves, is to defend and protect ourselves from attack.
Humans are so funny, we are very complex and interesting creatures. I recognized the response as defensive and connected with why immediately, but it took me almost 36 hours to connect with MY truth and MY doing in the initial comment as having more to do with ME than with THEM.
So quick to point a finger, and so slow to notice the other 4 pointing back at the one pointing.
I by no means have it all together, not even close, but I sure do try my hardest. Everyday, I recognize growth in my reactions, my responses, my emotional state, my willingness to admit wrong doing. I try everyday to be better, to learn WHY things are thought, and said. WHY do some things bother me and some brush off my back like it’s no big deal.
The things that bother me are the things I am still in need of working through and correcting, and it SUCKS a lot to have a light blasted right onto them. SUCKS but necessary, so thank you to everyone who calls me out on my shit, knowing or unknowing…. You are helping me grow.